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RELATIONSHIPS & FAMILY
 MARRY ME, MARRY MY FAMILY
How is it that the families we came from have such an important influence in a marriage? First, it is a part of the human condition to leave our original families with “unfinished business,” that is, unresolved issues around attachment and separation. Normal family life includes a certain amount of loss, deprivation, and anxiety. How this was handled in our own family influences how we deal with our own needs, fears, anxieties, and demands of intimacy in our present life.
One of the characteristics of unfinished business is that it restricts our options in dealing with present issues. This often results in us resolving issues based on old coping patterns or old beliefs. A second aspect of unfinished business is that we tend to look for a spouse to help complete emotionally what hasn’t been completed in our own family of origin (often without our knowledge or our partner’s!). Thus, it is easy to see how our earliest relationships can have such a profound effect on marriage, and why a significant part of marital therapy is spent on understanding the families of origin of each partner.
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 HEALING AN AILING MARRIAGE MEANS
DEVELOPING MORE “POSITIVIE SENTIMENT”
All weddings and marriages start off with both partners equally positive about the union and about each other. In troubled marriages there is a noticeable absence of shared positive feelings. At the very least, the partners are emotionally disengaged and at the worst, there is criticism, defensiveness, and maybe even contempt. According to John Gottman, Ph.D., a marital dynamics researcher, marriage counseling is most effective when it is focused on building a couple’s friendship and love through effective repair work. Those repairs are aimed at developing a more generally positive sentiment by
- increasing “turning toward” behavior
(i.e. talking and listening to one another),
- regulating (not eliminating) conflict, and
- rediscovering shared life dreams and ideas.
Resolving marital conflict is never about changing one’s partner, but rather about reclaiming the fondness and admiration once felt in spite of the differences between the partners.
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BUILDING A "WE" IN RELATIONSHIPS
One of the most important developmental tasks in a new committed, intimate relationship is the building of a sense of “we-ness.” This sense of a “we” starts the formation of a strong sense of commitment and connection that helps create intimacy and closeness. While building a “we” is necessary to a healthy relationship, it must be done while couples also preserve a sense of their own individuality.
As relationships continue to develop, there is always a tension between what is good for “me” and what is good for “we.” It is talking about this tension, recognizing that it exists, and attending to it that helps develop alive, healthy relationships. Mature connections move between “we” and “me” around a variety of issues, recognizing that both components create commitment and healthy connection. Each individual needs to keep both a sense of him/herself as an individual and as a member of a couple alive at the same time. While that can sound difficult, the ability to do so predicts well for long term relationship vitality.
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 INTERNET RELATIONSHIPS:
A GOOD IDEA?
An estimated 9 million single adults log on to chat rooms and online dating services each day. People yearn to meet that special someone. Is it possible to find a healthy relationship on the web? The advantages are clear. The web may be a good way to get connected with many people and to get to know their values, interests, and goals before physically meeting them. Some people express themselves better with the written word, which is great for those who are shy. However, there are disadvantages. The internet form of communication doesn't foster true intimacy. There is great potential for deception and too much room for fantasy. It's important to not let the relationship go too far without a face-to-face meeting in a public place for no more than an hour or two initially. Pay attention to unfounded displays of anger or frustration, attempts at being controlling, or demeaning comments. Moving cautiously and carefully, one might just meet someone with whom s/he can eventually develop a healthy, loving relationship.
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 RECIPE FOR A SUCCESFUL MARRIAGE
In a disposable society that fosters immediate satisfaction and self gratification, it is no surprise that the divorce rate is as high as it is. Too many people enter into marriage with the embedded myth that they will live "happily ever after," without any concept of the enormous effort and commitment necessary to maintain a marriage. In order for a marriage to withstand our hectic world, couples must work to prioritize time together. Many couples assume that saying "I do" is enough to sustain a healthy marriage. Partners need to plan time for fun, intimacy, and for talking about their feelings and daily experiences. They need to foster a sense of safety where they can count on being one another's allies.
Creating an atmosphere of mutual validation and safety often requires that each individual work through any unfinished business from childhood. The challenge is to bring one's adult self into the marriage and to accept the fact that one's partner is not one1s parent and should not have to deal with inconsiderate or irresponsible behaviors. Ultimately the most successful marriages are those where both spouses prioritize their partnership and take equal responsibility for the overall well being of the relationship.
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 MARITAL CONFLICT
Marital conflict is not necessarily a sign of a troubled relationship, but rather the inevitable result of two individuals living together.
• Having a plan for managing conflict, recognizing when to use the plan, and taking responsibility for one's own attitude toward fair fighting can go a long way toward protecting the intimacy, fun, friendship, and sensuality that are part of a relationship.
• Learning conflict resolution skills can be helpful. Programs like PREP, IMAGO, and Relationship Enhancement teach such skills.
• When destructive patterns are more deeply ingrained, anger management (both individual and couple) is needed. A marital therapist can provide an environment where conflict can be managed, and the strengths of the couple can be acknowledged. Counseling can then help achieve a better balance between the negative aspects of the relationship and the original good will, love, and respect of the couple.
• While conflict may be inevitable, constructive ways of handling it can strengthen a relationship.
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 HOLIDAY TIP FOR DIVORCED PARENTS
One of the true joys of the holiday season is watching our children delight in the festivities at hand. Whether it is Christmas morning, or lighting the candles at Chanukah or Kwanzaa, there is nothing as precious as shar-ing these occasions with our children. So much of what is meaningful for parents is passing down stories and traditions to the next generation.
This gets a bit tricky for divorced parents and is often a time of intensified conflict and stress as parents negotiate which one of them will have the children for which part of the holiday. It is crucial that the parents examine their motiva-tions and realize that what is most important is to put the needs of their children first. That may mean that Mom and/or Dad have to relinquish their own needs for the sake of their children. This can lead to feelings of disappointment, resentment, or anger at the other parent. These feelings need to be acknowledged and dealt with. Be careful not to impart these feelings on to the children. Remember, children love both of their parents, and holiday time is not a time for them to be concerned with issues of loyalty.
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 STEP FAMILY COUPLES FACE SPECIAL CHALLENGES
Many people enter remarriage with unclear expectations and unrealistic romantic ideas. This can cause serious resentments and can undermine the functioning of the newly blended family. Since stresses are more intense in stepfamilies, the "stepcouple" must serve as a role model of good communication and realistic coping for their children.
The entire family must recover from previous losses. The children all need to talk about possible feelings of jealousy, guilt, and anger. The couple needs to discuss fears of repeating old mistakes. It is crucial that the new marriage becomes a primary affiliation and that their bonds to one another are apparent to the children. This can be achieved by engaging in joint decision making and supporting one another's values.
Differentiating the couple relationship from parenting relationships is important. There needs to be special time for each parent to spend alone with his/her children, just as the couple also needs time alone. Couples therapy can be helpful in working through some of these challenges. Realistic expectations and good communication are crucial elements of a successful remarriage.
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 STEPFAMILIES ARE ALWAYS SPECIAL
About 20% of all kids live in stepfamilies. The latest statistics indicate that over 60% of U.S. stepfamily remarriages eventually split up within 10 years. That1s not good for the kids and it1s also not good for their parents. Therefore, it1s really important to look at stepfamilies in a special way and to help stepfamilies succeed.
Many family experts point to evidence that most people who re-divorce brought to their marriages unresolved trauma from their own childhood (divorce, death of a parent, abuse, etc.) and they tend to marry people who also have unresolved childhood trauma. The combination of the complex stepfamily issues and the partners1 unresolved issues often blocks healthy marital intimacy and interdependence. It also can stand in the way of the development of healthy relationships between stepparents and stepchildren.
Helping stepfamilies usually means helping people to recognize earlier life trauma and how it interferes in the here and now. Family counseling can help stepfamilies develop family pride, commitment to clear, shared goals, openness to new ideas and people, and lead to better parental leadership in the family.
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PROTECTING YOUR MARRIAGE
It has been said that marriage is the riskiest undertaking routinely taken on by the greatest number of people in our society. It has implications for our own and others' emotional, physical, and material well-being. With such high stakes, what can we do to provide the best possible chance for success and satisfaction in our relationships?
- Practice communication and conflict management
- Adopt the attitudes and actions of strong relationships
- Make a long-term commitment to establish and enhance your relationship
PRACTICE COMMUNICATION AND CONFLICT MANAGEMENT: One of the most powerful things you can do to protect your marriage is to learn constructive ways to handle conflict, differences, and disagreements. The following are patterns of negative interactions that can lead to marital distress.
Escalation – Do negative comments spiral into increasing anger and frustration? Learning ways to short circuit these destructive patterns early will save much heartache. For example, softening your tone and acknowledging your partner's point of view can defuse tension and end escalation.
Invalidation – Also known as painful put-downs, this is a pattern in which one partner subtly or directly puts down the thoughts, feelings, or character of the other. It leads to covering up who you are or what you think because it's too risky to do otherwise. Preventing invalidation means being respectful and acknowledging the other's viewpoint.
Withdrawal and avoidance – Both of these behaviors are ways in which one partner shows an unwillingness to get into or stay with important discussions. It often leads to a pursuer-distancer dance. The first step in changing this pattern is to recognize that it is interactional, and identifying and changing your own part in the dance.
Negative interpretations – This occurs when one partner consistently believes that the motives of the other are more negative than is really the case. It is important to open yourself up to the possibility that your view of your partner could be unfair in some areas.
If you recognize these patterns as occurring often in your relationship, it might be helpful to work with a therapist in identifying the part played by each partner and the underlying emotional content being ignored. We at Silverside Counseling Center, LLC are skilled in promoting an atmosphere where positive communication patterns can be learned and any underlying issues uncovered so the positive potential in your relationship can be reestablished.
WHAT ARE THE ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS OF A STRONG RELATIONSHIP? Attitudes of dedication, commitment, loyalty, and trust certainly provide a safe and secure environment for a healthy relationship to flourish. Likewise, realistic expectations (such as "no relationship is consistently satisfying") and self-sacrifice (looking at "what I can give" at least as often as "what can I get") are attitudes that lead to behaviors that nourish rather than undermine a relationship. Make a commitment to protect and enhance the friendship aspects of your relationship!
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